Sometimes Metal Sam Sez You Have Been Listening To Music Wrong

Here lies the only post of Metal Sam. It’s kind of condescending and then I couldn’t get him to write anything else for the website. As such it will be left here in memoriam of… I don’t know, something.

Sometimes Metal Sam Grade 9

Mrs. Schuckenbacher Period 5

Metal, and how it can only improve lives – or – WHY YOU CAN GO SUCK IT, MRS. SCHUCKENBACHER, METAL FOREVER!

Most people don’t really care for metal. It is sometimes challenging to listen to, because it is designed, at its very core, to be challenging to listen to. Literally, the entire sub genre of black metal can be defined by its shrieky vocals, blasphemous lyrics, and how it is obviously making it hard for you, the listener, to enjoy. We will come back to that, but the point is, listening to metal is an acquired taste. Like a watching NASCAR, enjoying the taste of whiskey, listening to Frank Zappa, or eating human flesh, it just sort of takes a raw desire before you even try. Before we begin fully, let me state that this will be non technical, and may not fit with standard definition. This warrants this disclaimer: If for any reason you don’t feel I have accurately portrayed something in this article, proceed to jump in a pool of gasoline with your favorite brand of propane torch and have fun. Now that is over, let us go over some genres, to try and make the sting of the cold, turbulent waters of metal less, uh, stingy.

Heavy Metal – One could argue that all metal belongs to this genre. Not me. I think Heavy Metal refers to the artists that defined the genre as a whole, and the modern artists that closely follow the teachings of these pioneers. The genre got off to a rocky start, with artists such as Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin, Motorhead, KISS, and AC/DC. Some credible authorities will tell you AC/DC isn’t metal, but they are liars, and AC/DC was offensive enough to the general public at the time to easily count as heavy metal. It is perhaps the most important part of metal in general to have the ability to piss somebody off pretty bad. Each of these artists were insanely popular, but all had lots of people angry at them, and metal was truly born.

This music has the basic sound of blues-rock, but with distorted guitars, bitchin’ guitar solos, and overall loudness. All was going well until glam rock/metal reared its ugly head. No true metalhead discusses this portion of our heritage, in the same way that Americans in the year 3000 won’t talk about slavery or either of the Bush administrations. These are times we wish to forget. Bands to try have already been listed, but it’s the sub genres that make this genre the real pioneer that it is.

Subgenres

Power Metal – Somewhere between death metal and heavy metal is where power metal lives. It lives in its folks’ basement with its D&D books, Tolkien, Norse Mythology book, and Gothic magazines. Bands to try are Iced Earth, Blind Guardian, and their collective side project, Demons & Wizards. If you don’t like these, you don’t like power metal, or you don’t have ears.

Doom Metal – Sounds cool doesn’t it? Fuck yes it does. Doooooooooom metal. Doom metal is what happens when you love metal AND marijuana. One day, you will be smoking a joint and listening to Black Sabbath and realize you have wasted your life not being in a band. A doom metal band will be the band you make. If you haven’t listened to Black Sabbath, start by killing yourself from shame. Then, when you are in hell, ask whichever demon is torturing you to bring some Black Sabbath, and you will finally understand your failure. Then see if he has any Sleep or Goblin Cock.

Death Metal – Everyone and their dog has heard of, and probably heard some death metal. Death Metal is what happens when the artists of the mid to late eighties sat down and said “Hey, this fucking glam metal shit has got to go. Time to switch from constant cocaine usage and sex with herpes laden groupies in dumpsters over to something more violent.” Death metal took metal and gutted it, took all the distortion and riffs, did it five times faster and fifty times harder. Death metal is filled with deep, growling vocals, a pair of distorted guitars tuned pretty low, and as much double bass and blast beats as can be allowed.

The lyrical content tends to be on the violence filled side. Think murder, rape, torture, gore, pain and more rape. Some find the vocals easy to take, as they are less harsh compared to black metal, especially when you include melodic death metal (one of many subgenre’s), which includes the use of clean vocals as well. Try Cannibal Corpse, Slayer, and Morbid Angel.

Subgenres

Melodic Death Metal – Like death metal, except with melody. This tends to translates to a significant drop in intensity. Comes off either brilliant or sort of soft. Try Dethklok, Dark Tranquillity, or Children of Bodom.

Progressive Death Metal aka Technical Death Metal – The name explains the genre pretty well. Prog Death is complex, which always ends up meaning awesome, pretentious, or offensive to the fucking ear. The best band in this genre is easily Opeth. Find them. Love them. Get the albums Still Life and Ghost Reveries.

Black Metal – Finally. The best one of the three. Black metal is what happens when you listen to heavy metal and death metal, and realize they are just not metal enough. When you need the bleakest, heaviest, most brutal, you go looking for black metal. This is the music of the smelliest, palest nerds and the quietest, most socially awkward lunatics. Black metal takes your cocaine and pot and raises you methamphetamine.

Black Metal vocals sound like a screeching banshee or a shrieking geek, which is to say, awesome or shitty. Lots of heavy distortion and speed, plus insane drumming with generally terrible production quality.

Before you ask, yes, Varg Vikernes of one-man band Burzum stabbed his previous bandmate to death. This is arguably the worst thing that has ever happened in the scene, but not the only crazy thing. Church burnings, cults, stabbings, Nazi propaganda, and various unrealized plans to kill and kidnap people of other musical genres. Italicized for ridiculousness, that is easily the craziest fucking thing ever. And not crazy awesome like the church burnings but, shit, hunting people for their choice of music is retarded. Despite all that stupid bullshit, some really incredible music has come from the genre. As far as band recommendations, I suggest Immortal, Marduk’s Panzer Division Marduk (and virtually nothing else of theirs) and Darkthrone. If you try and enjoy Burzum, go buy Pyha. Black metal from a 13 year old Korean kid. Metal.

Sub Genres

Melodic Black Metal – Also sometimes inappropriately referred to as Symphonic Black Metal, it doesn’t have the same lack of force that melodic death metal has. Still punchy and intense, it gives the listener a little break from the constant noise of some black metal, and fills it with something your ear can recognize as vaguely musical. Bands to check out are Iskald and Fimbultyr.

Symphonic Black Metal – Some killer bands live in Melodic Black Metal, but tragically they live in the garage, with Symphonic Black Metal living in the rest of the house, being popular and having parties full of goth and emo kids. Kids that needed a good beating when they were young, but their daddies didn’t love them enough to hit them. Symphonic black metal combines all the terrible, over the top bullshit of scenester black metal with some goober on a keyboard with a organ patch and echo. Bands to avoid include all of them, but if you must, Dimmu Borgir and Cradle of Filth have a couple songs. But when you are buying all your music and t-shirts and zipper heavy pants from Hot Topic, don’t tell me I didn’t warn you. As a matter of fact, don’t talk to me at all.

That is what I have for you this time kids. This article is pretty fucking vanilla for the metal world, but I felt like I needed to give you some kind of intro to what you were getting into with me. I hope you try and love some form of metal. But know now, it only gets more metal and more insane from here on out. It’s a dangerously badass world out there, and metal is the soundtrack.

WINNER: Metal

WHY: Let’s be honest, metal almost always wins.